Just a couple of stunned arseholes. A conversation with Terry and Parnell Gallant.

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I’ve known Terry and Parnell since they came out of their Mother’s twat way back in the 1970’s. Don’t bother asking me how old they are cause I couldn’t tell you. I’m 90 years old fer’ Christ sakes. I cleaned their bed sheets when they went through an awful spell having the wet dreams as kids. Terry lost his virginity at the cottage when he was 11 years old. That wasn’t the last babysitter he screwed. Parnell has been a sweet little thing all his life, until he started stuffing his pie hole with anything that would fit and gained thirty pounds. They’re good grand kids though, they still call me every Sunday and like to give me shit when the cars I sell them break down. I don’t mind calling them a couple of stunned cocksuckers if they give me too much guff. – Grammy

Whats goin’ on boys? T- Hey, is this interview sponsored by Moosehead? Grab me one out of the fridge Parnell. On second thought, GRAB TWO !!  P- I’m hungover as shit but ready to go.

Alright let’s get the stats out-of-the-way. Who are you? Where are you from and when did you have your first drink?   T- Terry Gallant, Bumblefuck and I can’t remember when I started drinking.. in church I think. Sacrificial wine or beer? That first shot from Jesus will get you hooked.  P- Parnell Gallant. I’m from Bumblefuck too and my first drink was Grammy’s shine when Uncle Gary was babysitting us.

Uncle Gary sounds alright. T- I thought that was rubbing alcohol, Parnell? P – Oh yes I think your right. He was okay just a bit of a dummy. T- Takes one to know one.. dummy. P- Frig you, Terry.

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So how are you boys related? P- My mother is his mother’s sister.. I think? T- My mother is Parnell’s sister..

Sounds complicated. Tell me about your education, what schools did you attend? P- Bumblefuck Elementary, Bumblefuck Jr. High, Bumblefuck High. T- Bumblefuck Kindergarten, Whats the place we learned to play Auction and Asshole Parnell? P- Juvie??

You boys were in Juvie? Does this mean you’re good ping-pong players? T- No but we perfected the rubber boot system by using your own urine. P- Yes, Georgetown.

Rubber boot booze? T- Yes, rubber boot booze!

Did either of you graduate high school? P- Graduated with honours in general.

What was prom night like for Terry and Parnell Gallant? T- Stinky. I say stinky cuz’ I had a rubber boot full of booze in the back seat and Parnell took the Bumblefuck round a bout too fast and spilt it everywheres.

Did you lose your virginity Parnell? P- In the back seat with Kylie..

Wait. Terry was in the back seat too. Tag team cousints? T- I didn’t touch Kylie, I had my own date. P- We treat women like beer. We don’t share em’.

When could you first grow a stache Parnell? T- The first one he grew was on his arse-neck. P- 9 years old.

Terry if you were to give finger banging lessons to a virgin, where would you begin? T- Well I’d start with how much it was gonna cost per lesson. Then I’d say warsh yer hands and start near the belly button..

So, you’re saying wet willy her belly button? T- Sure, it’s an under appreciated zone.

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Tell me about the horny eyes? T- One look and yer’ hooked right , Parnell? P- Oh yeah she’s good night Kylie after that. T- I discovered I could use em’ at a barn dance in Fortune one night. Believe it or not Haywire was playing.

PEI mega rock band Haywire? T- I think I gave a few belly button lessons that night.

Terry are you saying you finger banged Haywire’s belly buttons? P- Seent him do it. T- I love those guys !!

You guys are into the good ol’ hockey game. P- GO LEAFS !! T- Like it more than Tim Hortons claims too.

When you watch hockey is it for the fights or for the skill? P- Fights ! They have to find a way to get more fights into the game. T- I’m more about the skill of the game.

Fave goon of all time? T- Either Bobby Probert or Terry O’Reilly. P- Ken Baumgartner. T- Or Forbes Kennedy !!

Forbes is a PEI legend. P- Oh yeah I forgot about Forbes. T- Fuck off Parnell I said him first, get your own goon. P- Well I didn’t say he was my favourite, I’m sticking with Ken.

Would you consider your self a great mini stick goalie Parnell? P- Probably second best in the league. T- Parnell is decent..

Terry I seen that curve on your mini stick, I’m gonna guess it’s illegal. T- Yeah it is.

How has the trip to Toronto changed yer’ perspective on life? P- Well I think we are more open to other cultures now. We’ve grown as people. T- If theres one place you could never expect to see a lumberjack drinking a latte in the middle of the day with a basket on it, it’s Toronto.

Have you indulged in any of the amazing food culture there? P- Yeah I tried this stuff called “sketti” It’s noodles, ketchup and butter. I saw it on Honey Boo Boo.

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Speaking of travel. You guys trash Moncton a lot. If I was you boys I’d be nervous of running out of gas driving through there. Ever afraid they are gonna kick your ass? P- We’d never drive through there just incase. T- Moncton is actually pretty close to PEI. So I’m sure they can all take a joke pretty good too. P- Yeah they aren’t all stunned arseholes.

Was that trip the first time either of you were off Island? T- Yes, virgin journey.

What did you think of the bridge? Pretty big, huh.. P- Fuckin’ bridge. T- The bridge. Fuck that fucker. P- They should tear it down. T- Nothing like the Abby.

I heard the Abby is in Chicago now, on the Mississippi. P- Lets bring er’ back.

The arcade was the best part of the trip. T- Ya we stowed way on er’ one time eh, Parnell? P- Brings a tear to my eye. T- She went across the Strait docked and turned around again for home. We almost made our virgin trip to the mainland then.

Close call. Who would win in a fist fight, Tie Domi or Hulk Hogan? T- Forbes Kennedy. P- Tie would punch Hulk Hogan’s face right off.

Mr. Dress Up or Fred Penner? T- The Friendly Giant.

Terry and Parnell or Hughie and Martin of Wharf Rats? P- Terry and Parnell would pound them boys! T- If Hughie and Martin had Forbes Kennedy and Terry and Parnell had Rick Vaive, it’d be a draw.

Terry vs. Martin would be a good one. P- Hughie couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

I think Hughie would dummy you Parnell. T- Hughie sober and Parnell drunk would both be at a disadvantage.

Has the rise to fame affected you in your daily lives? P- Fame hasn’t affected me that much. I put my 3000 dollar pants one leg at time like everyone else. T- And then he fills them with turds that are 78 bucks a piece on Ebay. P- Thats how I pay for the pants.

Whats a Terry and Parnell mix-tape got on it? P- AC/DC, Haywire.. T- Racoon Bandit, Don Messer for sure.. P- Stompin’ Tom. T- Whatever is on the radio at the time.. Except fuckin’ Parnell always forgets to hit pause on the tape recorder when the commercials come on. P- My thumbs are too fat to push the buttons quick.

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You record your music straight off the radio? T- Yeah, best quality that way. And thats where you hear all the big hits first after they have already been playing on the mainland for the last five years.

Parnell did you inherit your fat thumbs from Grammy? P- No. She has wiry thumbs like Ter. T- Watch it buddy. They’re not fat they are just big boned.

I heard some where that the Alpine Oracle got his magic powers from banging grammy is this true? P- No, cause if he ever did that we’d punch his face in. T- I think Grammy sat on his face once and let one go, thats how he got some powers.

So your say the Oracle is a fart sniffing Granny fucker? T- The Alpine Orifice.

Whats next for Terry and Parnell Gallant? P- Dunno? Probably head back to the couch for my second pizza of the day. Watch some TV…

Shout outs? T- To all the family and friends back east g’day ya arsepicks! P- Grammy, Darlene Gallant, Kylie, Vanessa and all of bumblefuck !

I’m hungover as fuck. P- Me too.

The team is gearing up to begin filming Just Passing Through season two this month. If you haven’t yet, watch season one on Youtube and give em’ a LIKE on Facebook. 

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